“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star…
Where is the lightning to lick you with its tongue? Where is the frenzy with which you should be inoculated?
Behold. I give you the Übermensch.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche

I didn’t think I’d find my spiritual identity in the Abyss, but… here we are. 🤷🏻‍♀️🌌

This is the story of how I stopped drowning in existential dread and became something new: a ✨Void Surfer✨.

Don’t worry baby, it’s just another Passion Project.
*reaches out my hand*
Come with me…

The Death of Delusion

In my mid-twenties, I left behind fundamentalist evangelical Christianity.
A decade later, my marriage unraveled.

At first, I thought it was just a natural progression from deconstruction into divorce—after all, God and marriage are two enormous so-called “conventional life” pillars.

I thought I would need some time to process it all and heal—with therapy, with a new start back in my hometown, with medication.

All of these tools helped, and still do! But what began as a healthy journey of rewiring my belief systems and brain chemistry soon spiraled into an existential freefall… straight into what I now understand to be nihilism. And for a whimsical, fairytale-creating dreamer like me, that darkness can—and did—become a vampiric sense of loss.

Here I was, starting over in midlife with released anchors, and broken pillars.

No (delusions of) God.
No (convention of) marriage.
No (illusion of) a purpose.

I had entered what I now call The Void—a space of meaninglessness, raw truth… and terrifying freedom.

I’d been here before, and it never felt like freedom.
More like panic, gut-wrenching grief, and paralyzing regret.
I’d once spent a night in a psychiatric ward because of “this place.”

But this Void was different. Because now, on the right medication, I was equipped with the brain chemistry to understand that this feeling didn’t have to destroy me.

I knew I truly did love life.
No, I did not want to end it all. Not literally.

Still, the chaos kept threatening to downward spiral me into self-destruction—if not by death, then by maladaptive coping mechanisms.

The Void still had my number and wasn’t about to stop calling…

Maybe it was time to pick up the phone.

---

I’ve spent my life… going somewhere, but never arriving. Paying bills, starting projects, showing up for parties… mostly just surviving without a real sense of identity or purpose.

Although I’ve had meaningful experiences, beautiful moments, and still have profound connections and love, most of my life has been on auto-pilot, fulfilling roles and following scripts I never chose for myself.

Was it possible to discard a false sense of gravity and create my own?

Could I even be happy while accepting that I’ve been living in a costume I didn’t choose and have completely outgrown?

Can one look directly into the Abyss and be okay with what’s staring back?

It was time to try.

The Lightning Strike

I had taken a week off work for the 4th of July, with every intention of “making it productive.”

Ah yes, the ol’ hustle culture script trying to run my time, even when that time was supposed to be mine.

The truth is, I needed to rot.
On the sofa, in bed, in my favorite chair; with snacks, with naps, with cats; with books, TV, video games, movies, and YouTube binges.

So rot, I freaking did.

That’s where the Void and I had our first romantic date—and the rotting became sacred.

Did you know that well-timed, intentional “rotting” can reset your nervous system and lead to spiritual awakenings? Now you do. 🙃

While there, I stumbled upon a YouTube channel called No Nonsense Spirituality, and finally, I felt seen, heard, and understood:

Yes, I can be an atheist and a witch.
Yes, I can reject religious constructs and still find meaning in mysticism.
Yes, this life—being star-stuff in a meat-suit on a spinning orb—is absolutely absurd.

Maybe, just maybe, the way through nihilism back to a meaningful life is to cultivate curiosity?

Not just curiosity about what feels fun and whimsical and entertaining.
What if I stayed curious about what terrifies and triggers me, too?

I’m a Void Surfer now. The Abyss can’t destroy me.
I’ve already lost everything that once made me feel grounded in this world.

Terrifying liberation.

And that’s what I did. Like a switch flipped in the dark, I relinquished control and embraced curiosity.

I’ve stopped asking the Void to hand me meaning on a silver platter.
Instead, I’ve started to participate in the chaos.

Not controlling it, not numbing it, just… surfing it.
Void Surfing 101.

An Existential Hobby

Void Surfing is my page-one rewrite—only now, I understand the backstory:

I have not been created. I have no Creator.
I have been shaped, molded, programmed by whoever was in power at the time and place I was born.
I consented to very little of my life-to-date.
But what I can consent to is how I connect, how I create, how I consume, and how I remain curious in this life.

Even at age fifty-three.
Especially at age fifty-three.

If you, like me, feel like you’re just spinning and spinning, like you are floating outside of this world instead of living in it, I’m here to tell you: it’s okay. We are okay. It will all be okay.

We’re going to turn this chaos into a Passion Project, you and me.

You likely feel more, think more, create more, and question more than most people.
That is not a defect, my friend. Don’t let anyone tell you it is.

Life is never going to not be fucking painful, and beautifully weird.
We will never not be beautifully weird.
So why not “wild out” with it?

This awakening has not brought me peace.
It has made me feral in a way I haven’t felt since the ’80s.
I have found wonder again, possibility, curiosity… within the blackest, bleakest hole.

The kind of darkness that births dancing stars.

Rebuilding My Meat-Suit Avatar

I am Jaye.
Void-Surfer.
Abyss seductress.
Creature of the Deep.
Abandoner of delusion.
Embracer of the rational, with a healthy dose of whimsy, and always, always, curiosity.

I don’t search for meaning anymore, I deconstruct, then recreate.
I understand that life can feel magical without magical thinking.
And I embrace that nothing is ever set in stone.
Truth glitters ancient and bright in life’s endless sky full of black.

“May your chaos birth stars. May your frenzy become art.”
—Me, probably, while Void-Surfing at 3AM

💌 Want more scribbles from the Void?
Sign up for The Bloomscroll or wander through my Digital Garden.

With cosmic wildflower gardens and love,
✨🪻💫 ~J.